It’s a Small World After All

If you haven’t guessed from my other columns, I don’t always make the smartest choices.

I’d been messaging with a boy for several days on Grindr. It wasn’t romantic: He was young, at least younger than me, and I was mostly dating older men in those days. But he was very attractive, and a bottom, and I was very excited to have him over—at least, for a couple of hours.

Unrelated, one Friday evening Southern Belle C finally agreed to introduce me to his friend GF. The three of us went out for drinks at Barrage and instantly clicked over drinks: I felt we’d quickly become The Three Musketeers.

Which Musketeer was I, you ask? The slutty one who invited Grindr Boy to the bar because he was in the area and I wanted to take him home.

If you haven’t guessed from my other columns, I’m also not always the nicest person.

Grindr Boy showed up, but I was already drunk and decided I’d rather spend the night connecting with my new friend than have sex with him. I wanted him to leave, but didn’t know how to ask him to: so I ignored him.

I asked GF questions without looking at Grindr Boy; I kept bringing up inside jokes to Southern Belle C; eventually, I’d turned my body so that I was facing away from him entirely.

“I’m gonna go outside for a smoke,” Grindr Boy said.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Southern Belle C said once he was safely outside.

“I’m so not—how can I kiss a smoker?” I slurred.

“It was kind of mean,” GF said, but I could tell he meant, “That was definitely mean, what’s wrong with you?”

Grindr Boy didn’t come back—hell, he probably didn’t even smoke—and I never saw him again.

That is, until a few years later. My then-boyfriend, AJ, was showing me his most recent ex (not me, yet) on Facebook. I noticed it said he was in a relationship, so we enlarged a picture of the two of them: AJ’s ex was dating Grindr Boy.

Of course, curiosity got the better of me—I went back to Grindr Boy’s Facebook page and added him as a friend. He MUST not have remembered me, because he accepted, and I quietly stalked the two of them from afar.

AJ seemed to think his ex was the Anti-Christ, but he didn’t look demonic. Neither did Grindr Boy. They just looked… happy.

Happy in a way AJ and I never were.

It’s been two years since AJ and I looked them up, and ten months since AJ and I broke up. But Grindr Boy and the Anti-Christ are still together: In fact, on October 1, they announced their engagement on Facebook.

If you haven’t guessed from my other columns, I am marriage-obsessed.

I wanted to hate them, for having what I wanted, but… They just looked so goddamn happy.

So, instead, I got out my phone and texted the group chat: You’ll never guess who’s engaged…