Thomas talks about: To Walk or Not to Walk

By Thomas Whitfield

My partner and I are very much in love, but the sex is terrible a lot of the time. He isn’t doing anything “wrong” per se, it just seems monotonous and boring. There are times where I catch myself just waiting for it to be over. It’s been three years, we’re monogamous, and definitely don’t want to break up. I think he’s bored too, and we’ve discussed opening the relationship up to outside partners. Sometimes I see guys I’m really attracted to and just want to f* them, but when I look at my boyfriend I don’t get the same energy. What’s wrong with me, and will opening the relationship up help? -Male, Gay, 26

As a general rule, I only recommend opening up a relationship when the relationship is already going extremely well. Sometimes opening a relationship too soon can cause additional issues if the previous ones aren’t solved. Are there things you want to try out that you’re not? Spicing up the sex isn’t always the answer. It sounds like there is a disconnect between the two of you in bed. How is the intimacy between you guys outside of the bedroom? Try being more affectionate overall, then try to be more affectionate while engaging in sex. That might even mean sitting next to each other and kissing while you masturbate. Talk about it and come up with a plan to reconnect before you bring others into the mix.

I feel totally trapped in my life, and I don’t know what to do. When I was 20 I met an older guy, who started to take care of me. All my needs, all the time. Now I’m 24 and want out, but I, like, can’t. I dropped out of school when I met him, I have no job, so I have no savings. He doesn’t abuse me or anything, I just want out. I’m young and I want to have fun and do my own thing. I’ve felt this way for the last year, but I haven’t been able to leave. What if I can’t support myself? Should I just stay in this and wait it out? -Male, Queer, 24

You’re young and already feeling restricted. You’ve created a world you have little control over; it makes sense you want out. It can absolutely be scary to create your own life in NYC. Tons of people move to this city with nothing and make it work. It might mean taking a job you aren’t interested in or perhaps don’t WANT to do. Just because you don’t WANT to do a job doesn’t mean you CAN’T, though. At no point in your email did you mention having any emotional attachment to this guy. Do you want that with him? Some people are fine with having someone else take care of them, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like you want to go out there and make it work on your own. So do it.

Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: [email protected] Instagram: @ThomasWhitfield84