Thomas talks about: Too Soon?

By Thomas Whitfield

Relationships are sometimes about taking chances, but that doesn’t mean you should blindly jump into things. If you want a relationship to work out, take your time and get to know someone for who they are, not just who you want them to be.

Things are starting to get serious with a guy, but he’s just coming out of a long-term relationship. They were together for over three years, and I met him basically the night after they broke up. We started hanging out, but it wasn’t until a couple weeks later that he told me he was just coming out of something. Now I’m afraid I’m just a rebound and wondering if I should just end things. Obviously, he’s going to want to have his freedom and sleep with other guys. -Male, Gay, 24

I used to think that after a breakup everyone needed time to themselves to heal. I don’t think that’s the case anymore; I think it has more to do with how the relationship ended. If it was a tumultuous relationship with lots of drama, then yeah, just back away and give him time. But, if it was a mutual break and there isn’t a bunch of bad blood, then it’s more likely the person is ready to move on. In the latter, he’s accepted that the relationship fulfilled its purpose, has learned from it and could be ready for something new. If it was extremely dramatic… you can probably expect yours with him to be too. People have patterns: Look closely.

Three months ago, I met who could potentially be the love of my life. We have been doing everything together and having an amazing time. We’ve even started talking about moving in together. He lives in Astoria, and I live in Brooklyn, so the commute is pretty rough. After a long day, blah. Neither of us have ever lived with a boyfriend before, and our friends think we’re nuts. When is the right time to move in with someone? How do I know if it’s a good idea or a bad idea? I don’t want to mess things up, but I’m VERY excited about all of this. I’ve had shitty relationships in the past, and I’m nervous. -Male, Gay, 22

NYC is very expensive. I can absolutely understand the appeal of splitting the rent with someone. Think back to those “shitty relationships” in your past. When did you know it was “shitty”? It probably took longer than three months. You’re very young, and I know this is very exciting, but if there isn’t a real reason to NEED to move in together, put it off. Yes, there are people who have made it work, but it is very fast. I think you should take some time and continue to get to know each other, then in another three months reconsider. Or, you could even move closer together now and see how that works. Baby steps… if you both like each other, no reason to rush into it!

Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: [email protected] Instagram: @ThomasWhitfield84