Thomas talks about: The Spark

By Thomas Whitfield

I am married, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I have love for my husband, but it feels more like sibling love than what I think romantic love might be. A long time ago I accepted that this is just how I’m wired, and it’s never bothered me until recently. I’ve been thinking more about my childhood and some stuff that caused a lot of pain. It has made me wonder if I gravitated towards my relationship because it was just safe. Is staying in a relationship because it’s safe a good reason? What if there is more out there for me? Someone I could feel “the spark” with, whatever that really means. -Male, Gay, 32

If you grew up in an unsafe household, then safety in a relationship might be what you crave. I don’t believe there is any one good reason to be in a relationship. As long as everyone involved is having some of their needs met, and they aren’t harming each other, any reason works. Is there more for you? Maybe. You could feel “the spark” with someone else, or that might not be in the cards for you. Talk to a therapist and work through the things that might be stopping you from connecting more with your husband. The spark might be there, you just haven’t uncovered it yet. No sense in throwing in the towel before you’ve done the work on yourself.

My chemistry is f**ked! I feel connected to all the wrong guys, and I know it. If a guy drinks or does coke all the time, my first thought is, “It’s not a big deal, he’s under control.” I constantly ignore all the red flags! I’m always thinking I can change people, or they’ll treat me differently than how they treated their ex. Without exaggerating, it’s nearly EVERY guy I go out with. IDK if it’s NYC or the guys I’m attracted to, or what, but I’m so tired of it. I try to see the best in people all the time, but I sometimes think that’s also what blinds me. I don’t want to be a jaded b*tch, so how can I give guys the benefit of the doubt while not falling for the same douches? -Male, Queer, 23

This question is one of the most common ones I get. The answer is simple, but hard to do. First, you’re obviously attracted to guys that aren’t good for you, so date different guys. Don’t go out with the ones who you find yourself instantly falling for; you’re probably attracted to their negative qualities without realizing it. Second, stop ignoring the red flags and coming up with excuses for people’s actions. People engage in most of the behaviors they do for a very simple reason: because they want to. Yes, people are complex, but if you stop seeing everyone through rose-colored glasses, you’ll realize people are mostly exactly who they say they are when you first meet them.

Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: [email protected] Instagram: @ThomasWhitfield84