Thomas talks about: Sex Parties

By Thomas Whitfield

Thinking about going to a sex party with your significant other? It would absolutely be in your benefit to have a few very direct conversations about boundaries and expectations before going. You can even make an exit plan should one of you decide that you don’t want to go through with it. For many, this first conversation might seem like the most difficult to have, but there may be plenty more to come. Rules and boundaries may have to be adjusted.

My boyfriend and I went to our first sex party! I think we did everything right: We talked about boundaries and stuff before, and neither of us stepped outside of them. It was fine, but he enjoyed it more than me. The issue now is that he wants us to keep going, but I don’t want us to. How do you close the door after you’ve already opened it? – Male, Gay, 31

It’s great that you guys set up predetermined boundaries before going to your first party. It’s really important that people going in with their significant others have conversations beforehand about what is and isn’t acceptable. I’d recommend you both now talk about why you do and don’t want to keep going. Did you just not enjoy it? What would make it more enjoyable for you? Was it difficult for you to see him with others? What did he like about it? How would you feel about him going without you? Unfortunately, it may not be as simple as just closing the door, but a new approach or an adjustment to the boundaries might allow both of you to have your needs met.

I’ve been going to group sex events with my partner for a while now, and it’s usually very fun. These events are the only time we allow each other to have sex with other people. I recently found out he’s been meeting people on apps and then telling them to come to the sex party to hook up. Technically, he’s only having sex at the party, but he’s like setting it up beforehand. This seems like a grey area? IDK. Thoughts? – Male, Gay, 26

Yikes. Total grey area, and perhaps even a bit deceptive. Technically, he abided by the rules of no sex outside of the parties, but it sounds like he was planning for these parties in a way that you didn’t know about. I imagine, to some degree, you may feel left out, and this is a good place to start. I’m curious if you’d prefer he doesn’t plan for them beforehand, or if you’d just like to be kept in the loop. Both would require an adjustment to what he’s currently doing. I’d begin here, with exploring exactly what you’d like him to change. I’d also open up the discussion to see what else might be going on that should be addressed (is he planning in other ways too?).

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