Thomas talks about: Porn and the Other Guy

By Thomas Whitfield

Sometimes we lose our partners to other people, sometimes to porn. Deciding what you want more can be tricky, and you can’t usually always have it all.

I’m 58, and my partner is almost 30 years younger than me. We’ve been together for six years and have always been open. Three months ago I met someone wonderful on Grindr; we instantly clicked, and I’ve fallen in love. I told my partner, and he responded negatively, saying that if I don’t break it off with this other guy, that he’s going to leave me. I’ve never been happier in my life, but I don’t want to lose my husband. What can I do? – Male, Gay, 58

You have to make a choice, and unfortunately, I can’t tell you what to do or what is going to make you the happiest in the long run. Part of being in a relationship, whether it is open or not, is the commitment that you make to the other person(s). That doesn’t mean that you have to stay in the relationship no matter what, come hell or high water, but you did make a promise, and now you’ve broken that promise. It happens, and you have to decide what you want to do about it. You’re 58; haven’t you learned that constantly chasing the next best thing doesn’t lead anywhere?

There is a 10-year age difference between my boyfriend and me; I’m younger and have a much higher sex drive. I’ve noticed over the last six months to a year that our sex life has really slowed down. I asked him about it, and he said that he hasn’t been working out as much and feels really out of shape. I guess I get that, but then I was using his iPad, and he’s been watching porn multiple times a week. Apparently, he’d rather look at a screen then have sex with me. How can I get him to put down the porn and pick me up? – Male, Gay, 24

Congrats on having this conversation with him; communication is always good. In general, it’s true that guys’ sex drives go down with age, but it seems like you’re totally unsatisfied with your current sex life, and that’s not good. I don’t think porn is to blame here, though; a lot of guys watch porn and still have regular sex with their partner(s). There are a few things I’d recommend. First, watch porn with him. Talk about the different types you like, what you enjoy about them, and make that part of your sex life together. Second, you can also masturbate with each other while you watch, totally hot, and could get the ball rolling into other things. Third, if he really doesn’t want to increase your sex together and you want to stay with him, talk to him about opening up the relationship or how you can increase your sexual satisfaction.

Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: [email protected] Instagram: @ThomasWhitfield84