By Thomas Whitfield
It’ll be five years ago this February that I got married. The first couple years were bliss, but the last two years have been very difficult. Right now, we’re not even talking. I thought we were on the same page when we got married, wanting to settle down and work on adopting a baby. I settled down; he did not. He still goes out all the time, and sometimes doesn’t even come home. He says he isn’t cheating. I guess I believe him, but it could be happening. I’m trying to build my career, and I have to stay focused, so I can’t be out all night. He gets mad and tells me I’m “lame.” He also says he has no interest in slowing down. I feel like I’m at a crossroads and not sure what to do. Could we have grown apart so quickly? -Male, Gay, 32
It’s very difficult when someone you love has decided to take a different path than you. For some couples, having separate lives outside of the relationship is perfect, but not for everyone. It sounds like you’re ready to settle down, and he isn’t. It also seems like it’s unknown if he will get to a place where he wants to settle down. You have to make your decision going forward with the information you have now and accepting that he may never change. If he doesn’t, will you be happy? Is it possible to compromise? Is he willing to work on some things to strengthen your relationship? If not, then you can either accept him and the relationship for what it is, or go.
I asked my fiancé to marry me, and now I want to take it back. When I decided it was a good decision, we had been fighting a lot, and he kept saying he wanted to know we were going to be together forever. I just wanted to stop fighting, so I bought a ring. We stopped fighting for maybe a week, and now things are worse than ever. It’s to the point I don’t even want to come home after work and sometimes make up excuses to stay late at the office. The worst part is, we already sent invites, people made plans… and now what? Am I just supposed to cancel? Part of me hopes it’ll get bad enough that he’ll call it off, then I won’t feel guilty. Another part of me wants to just go through it and then end it later. It’s so embarrassing. -Male, Gay, 25
Dude, you’re 25, do not marry someone because you feel obligated. Just end it. You’re going to be miserable if you go through with this, spend a ton of money, then spend more on the divorce, and it’s just not worth it. It’s not going to be fun to end it and cancel everything, but that’s clearly the right choice here. Going through with it is only going to cause more pain in the long run. Getting married is not a good way to fix a relationship.