Thomas talks about: Extras in Bed

By Thomas Whitfield

Research has shown that between 40-50% of gay men in relationships report being in some form of non-monogamous relationship. That doesn’t always mean everyone is satisfied, though.

My boyfriend and I had a foursome with another couple we’re very close with. It seemed like a good idea at the time. They are both attractive, and we’ve known them for years, but the sex was TERRIBLE. We were both surprised, because they come off as such a sexy couple. So, we just don’t have sex with them again, no big deal, right? Well, they keep bringing it up when we hang out. We’ve been making up excuses, but now they’ve starting being passive aggressive and making jokes about being rejected. We don’t want to have sex with them again, but we also don’t want to lose the friendship. What should we do? –Male, Gay Couple, 31/33

If you were planning to date them, I would say you should work on it and see if you can make the sex work, but you’re not. You could keep deflecting and hope they stop asking, but that could just make things more awkward. I would recommend you guys tell them that you’ve decided it isn’t the best for you all to have sex again, because you don’t want to complicate the friendship. And, this isn’t a lie. Based on what you’ve said, if you have sex again it might complicate the friendship, because you may not want to continue being friends with them if it’s contingent on sex. If they become upset or insist on asking, then you have to ask yourself if the friendship is worth it. Are they still respecting your wishes?

I’ve been messaging back and forth with a couple about having a threesome for a couple months, but it never actually happens. They’re always asking for photos of my butt, they send me videos of them together and always talk about the things they want to do to me. Then we set a date, and they cancel, apologize, and attempt to make another date. I really want this to happen, but they’ve cancelled six times! Am I doing something wrong or wasting my time? I feel like I’m missing something here, because they keep saying they want it, but maybe they don’t? –Male, Gay, 22

My guess would be that part of what this couple gets off on is knowing they could have you if they wanted you, but going through with it isn’t something they’re ready for. A lot of guys write me about similar situations, but it’s usually with someone they chat with on an app that never actually wants to meet. It’s the same game. It would be nice if they were open with you about this being their thing, but that would probably defeat the purpose for them. If you’re fine with never actually hooking up, then enjoy the photo and video exchange. If you want more from them, you should probably accept it may never happen, and then be pleasantly surprised if it does.

Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: [email protected] Instagram: @ThomasWhitfield84