By Thomas Whitfield
I don’t love my boyfriend any more, but I can’t bring myself to leave him. We’ve been dating for over seven years, and we get along great, but there is no passion anymore. I can hardly bring myself to have sex with him every few months, and I honestly sometimes get grossed out even kissing him. I really enjoy his company, but it doesn’t feel like a relationship any more. All of that is true, but I can’t see myself without him, either, and the thought of having to start over makes me SICK! WTF am I supposed to do? -Gay, Male, 36
Passion changes for most couples, but getting grossed out by kissing is obviously more than just losing some passion between you guys. There are relationships based on friendship and not romance—is that something you’re interested in with him? If there was an agreement between you both that you’re able to stay together and be happy, but not sexual, would you want to? If you’re staying just to not have to go through a breakup or start over, that’s an awful reason and not fair to either of you (mostly him). Based on what you’ve said, I think it’s time you break up. The only way I could imagine this working out is if you’re dedicated to making it work, which would require a lot of harsh reality and honesty with him and yourself.
My bae told me that if we don’t move in together soon, then we’re breaking up. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t think we’re ready to move in together. We spend around five nights a week together at each other’s places, but those other two nights I love having my own space. I honestly think that if we move in together then I’m going to feel crowded and miserable, but he’s going to leave me if we don’t move in together. I’ve tried talking to him about it a little, but he just thinks that I don’t want to commit and I’m making excuses. I’m beginning to lean to the side of just doing it to keep the relationship and trying my best to grin and get through it until I feel more comfortable. Is this a recipe for disaster? -Gay, Male, 25
You need to be comfortable and ready to move in, or it will probably not go well, and forcing yourself will likely negatively impact the relationship. However, living together doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking moment or night together. Set boundaries! It’s HEALTHY to spend time apart from each other and have your own lives outside of the relationship. Make a list of your specific fears/concerns, and talk to him about them. Agree on rules for living together, which might include scheduled nights or times apart. If you guys can’t agree on the rules together, then don’t move forward with moving in, or you probably will be miserable.