By Thomas Whitfield
Two years ago, my boyfriend and I opened our relationship. One of the big rules is we always discuss it first and make sure the other person is cool with it. Yesterday he came home and told me he met one of his favorite porn stars at a bar, and they exchanged numbers. They’ve been texting, which I’m fine with, but now the guy wants to fuck him, and IDK how I feel about it. Part of me is afraid he’s going to have feelings for him, and I’m concerned about STIs too. It just feels different to me, but I’m not sure why. Should I just let him do it? -Male, Gay, 28
You should apply the same caution with this sexual partner as you would any other. There is a chance your boyfriend is infatuated with him, but hopefully he is smart enough to realize whatever his perception is of this actor, it likely isn’t accurate to who he actually is. When you have an open relationship, the possibility of catching feelings is always there. Do you have a plan for if/when it happens? In terms of STIs, adult entertainers are frequently tested, and probably more than the average guy on a phone app. Your boyfriend should use the same precautions he would with anyone else.
My partner and I are very supportive of each other and our communication is top notch. He has often struggled with keeping steady jobs, and there have been many times where I’ve had to pick up his part of the rent. I don’t mind; I love him. A month ago, he did a nude photoshoot for fun, and now he says he wants to start doing porn. I love porn, but this really freaks me out. There is something about being filmed and out there forever that terrifies me. I want to continue to support him and for him to be happy, but I don’t know if being with a porn actor is something I want for my relationship. Does that make me an asshole? -Male, Gay, 31
It sounds like you really care about him and the relationship, so you want to protect it. Entering the porn industry is not something people should do carelessly; it’s a big decision and one you can’t take back. It would be great if people could try it out and not have it potentially follow them forever, but that’s how it is right now—it’s still very stigmatized. I think you should voice your concerns to him, discuss it, and then support his decision, whatever it is. However, you don’t have to be dating him to still be supportive of him. I don’t think you should give him an ultimatum, but if you don’t want to be with someone who does porn, that’s also your choice. There’s also the possibility that perhaps it won’t bother you when it actually happens. One key to healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise) is not holding each other back from the things they want.