Revenge of the ‘Maniacal Musto’

‘I’ve trashed a lot of people, I’ve stirred up some ill will in my day, and now is a chance for people to vent back at me’—Michael Musto

On May 22 at The Actor’s Temple, Daniel DeMello, Nathaniel Nowak and Scruff will present “Fork in the Left, Knife in the Back: Broadway Roasts Michael Musto.” All proceeds will go the Callen-Lorde organization, a clinic dedicated to the needs and issues of the LGBTQ community.

The panel includes artists such as Rosie O’Donnell, Bruce Vilanch, Bianca Del Rio, Michael Urie, Orfeh, Michael Riedel, Johnny Skandros, Luann De Lesseps, Jinkx Monsoon, Randy Rainbow, Lucy the Slut, Elizabeth Ann Berg and Crystal Demure, all quite capable of dishing it out. But we truly feel that all of America should have a chance as well.

It took me 10 years to gain the courage to walk up to Musto at Fire Island and ask him for a picture with me, at which point he simply rolled his eyes so far in the back of his head, I thought he’d go blind. He did stand up for the picture without saying a word, and then sat right back down, again without a word. I’ve interviewed artists from Diana Ross to Adam Ant to Annie Lennox, but my
scariest interview was by far Michael Musto. After all these years I still feel as if I don’t know him well enough to roast him myself – OK, I’m lying; pure fear keeps me from roasting him. However, I did notice he still carries a flip phone! I’ve never written anything mean about anyone. How fitting that my first work of evil is dedicated to Musto. And it is a complete honor!

Get Out! cordially invited some friends who Michael Musto “forgot” to summon to his charity roast to exhibit their “love,” or whatever it was they wished to reveal. Here is what they had to say.

Marti Gould Cummings
Michael Musto has been riding his bike since before the wheel was invented. It is an honor to have had him pedal to my shows to show support! I love you Michael.

Sherry Vine
When I first moved to New York City 25 years ago, Michael called me “the Elizabeth Taylor of drag.” For a new queen on the scene, that meant the world to me. Over the last 25 years, Michael has been nothing but supportive, kind and always willing to jump in and make a video cameo. In lieu of “reading” Michael (I don’t care what anyone says, I love his “fashion” choices), I want to salute him! Much love darling!

Tym Moss
Roast Michael Musto? I’m Mr. Nice Guy. I never talk bad about people. But I’ll try.

What can I say about Michael Musto? He’s a well-known, respected and established journalist, entertainment correspondent and author. “The Village Voice” was basically built out of his back. Speaking of Michael, on his back…

He was a club kid. Like a rat creeping through the underbelly of the city, he crawled through the underground nightclubs of New York. Oh, the things he has seen and done. To this day, no matter how much they clean it, when I walk in the basement of Studio 54, I step on something sticky, [and] I know that’s from Michael Musto.

Michael, you are over 50, gay and single…or as the LGBT community puts it, DEAD! I love how Michael’s Grindr profile says he’s a TOP. Obviously his dyslexia is kicking in again.

The bathhouses used to have a plaque in his name in the showers, because he spent so much time there. How can someone so clean be so filthy at the same time is beyond me. Well, yes I can. My plaque is next to his.

Seems as though I’m getting the hang of this roasting thing! Michael, I love and adore everything about you. Enjoy being roasted by all of these incredible artists. Only love, happiness and success for you always.

Ariel Sinclair
Being honored and asked to perform “Crazy” at his birthday party years ago was so much fun! I knew then that this man was as crazy is I was.

Ike Avelli
Michael Musto is a living legend! His first story was released on tablet, before Moses’ Ten Commandments. He has been around so long, Bette Davis was his babysitter. He is launching more faulty missiles than North Korea. Michael’s Wikipedia says he’s gay – he is so gay, Crisco put his picture on their product. He makes Richard Simmons look like Clint Eastwood. Congratulations Michael and all your accomplishments! You are the reason New York City still has wings!

Marti Balloveras aka Ari Kiki
Musto can be spotted cruising around the city on his bike like the Wicked Witch of the West, and his always-fashionable sock and sandal combination on his hooves, stalking the subject for his latest article. Michael petals around writing commentary on the current state of nightlife and pop culture with an almost Alzheimer-y sense of awareness. But [who] better than a legend of his epicness to give us perspective on the scene? I can’t think of any – I mean, “The Village Voice” could, but I can’t!

He’s survived the ‘80s, AIDS and Michael Alig! He’ll be around forever, like Cher and roaches. But ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Musto, you are cherished and loved and continue to inspire the community.

Geraldine Winifred Visco
Yes, I am Gerry Visco and I do adore Michael Musto! But I’m ready to roast him for his event. In fact, I will roast them in the oven, and we can all eat them for dinner! Should I use his meat for my spaghetti and meatballs? I bet you his meat will be tasty! And as for roasting Michael Musto, we can say that he is one of the oldest club kids in New York City, but I’m the very oldest! He wrote a fabulous article about me in the “New York Times” stating I was the oldest club kid in New York City, and it’s true, I’m a year and a few months older than he is, but of course we are similar in age!

Also, Michael is Italian, so let’s say to him this roast, VAFFANCULO! Another comment we can say is that he’s a club kid party animal, but he doesn’t drink. Michael, you must start drinking some booze at the parties. Come on MICHAEL, have a gin and tonic with me! Also, I know that you’re gay, but why the fuck can’t you marry me, motherfucker? I’m a girl drag queen! I think we have fun together, and I could gather up my twink friends and have you give them blowjobs!

Also, Michael we are both writers and actors! And Musto, you gotta start dressing up as a drag queen more, and then you gotta enter the “RuPaul’s Drag Race”! You can do it, so put on your makeup! Also, you ride your bike all over town! Wear a helmet, Michael! And find me a bike. I need a bicycle, so steal me one! We both went to Columbia University, so we are alumni and smart. Michael Musto, you are a fabulous, talented, smart bitch! Stick it up your ass, baby, and let’s party down! Dance with me in the disco heat! Get up and boogie, get up and move your body! And do yoga now, Michael!

Chip Duckett
Michael Musto has always been famous for riding his bike to every event he attends, which terrifies everyone in Manhattan. Those of us who know him know he’s a WICKED OLD WITCH!

Lady Clover Honey
We have to give Michael Musto a lot of credit. He was always honest about who he is, so he wasn’t able to make a shocking (or no so shocking) coming out announcement like Anderson, Clay, Ricky, Rosie and so many others. Musto is still able to turn out interesting columns, which is not easy to do nowadays with the city losing its edge and grit. Drag is now mainstream and on network television, there are no more club murders, horny young gay man hook up on phone apps instead of sleazy bars. I recently saw him at Night of a Thousand Gowns, and he managed to look downtown wearing a white suit with original hand-painted urban art. I thought, if he pees his pants he can just say the paint was still wet!

Paige Turner
Michael’s achieved so many great things in his career—not the least of which is being the only sane person on Theatre Talk. I often see Michael riding around the city on his bike like Almira Gulch, except Almira is a much better dresser! I’ve admired Michael Musto from a distance for years, and plan to keep it that way. Happy 100 years in show business, you have nothing on Olivia De Havilland!

Aaron Paul
The most awkward moment in my life: At a party in the Hamptons I saw Michael Musto stationed at a cocktail table. So excited to meet a true celebrity, I walked over to say hello and introduce myself. I sat down next to him and proceeded to say hello. At that point, Michael huffed, puffed and rolled his eyes and turned to speak to the person next to him. I didn’t know whether to crawl under the table or slither into a bush. Since that time he has been quite friendly, thank God!

Gusty Winds
Thank you for asking me to contribute to the roast of the amazing Dan Savage. Dan is truly one of the greatest writers of our…what? A roast for who? Michael Musto? Ugh! As a writer, Michael has excellent grammar and punctuation. That’s what he really excels at, and two other things: stretching a dollar and stretching a career.

But on a serious note, I’m not sure if he knows what he means to me. As a little gay Jehovah’s Witness growing up on Long Island, I didn’t have any gay influences. That is, until 14-year-old me discovered “The Village Voice.” “The Voice” would come out on Wednesdays, and the local library would have a copy on the shelf on Thursday. Like clockwork, I’d haul my ass down right after school and immediately go to page 12 of the “Voice” for Michael’s column. Every week, that old lady of prose gave this young boy a glimpse into the world he thought was just out of his reach (and currently still is, LOL), but one he wanted to be so desperately a part of. Never did I dream that with him as my inspiration, I would rise to the level of mediocrity I’m at today. Thank you, Michael, for giving me hope when I had none, laughter when I thought I couldn’t and the introduction into my favorite guilty pleasure, the blind item. Love you!
Yvonne Lame’ Well, well, I must say, Michael Musto is the Hedda Hopper of our time, so I can’t really say anything bad about him. I must say, he has been very supportive to me and Lips. He makes me feel just like Joan Crawford in “Feud.” That being said, life sucks without Mamacita. But since you wanted a little dirt, I asked my dear friend Lady Bunny, who is the Bette Davis of our time. OK, who are we kidding, Bunny is really Mamacita acting like Bette Davis. Anyway, back to Michael, well, Bunny whispered in my ear and told me that, “Michael Musto wears ladies’ underwear, and it’s not from Victoria’s Secret. It’s from Target!”

Lovari
Do you know that he was supportive of me from the very start, and you know, there are a lot of people who want his support. So the fact that, #1, he even knows me and, #2, actually talks to me and, #3, we talk about his family, makes me so humble!

Eileen Shapiro
Michael, from the looks of this, your bike is more famous than you!