PAM ANN’s A to Z Airline Guide
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Get Out! Contributor
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In her wildly popular show that returns to XL this month, Pam Ann reveals the secrets of the cockpit. Here are a few facts from Pam about your favorite airlines. It might help make your travel a little jollier this holiday season.
AIR CANADA
The crew is so friendly they are known to touch you inappropriately.
AIR FRANCE
The stewardesses are skinny bitches: They smoke, drink coffee and look you up and down when you board. Their uniforms only go up to size zero.
AIR INDIA
Air India pilots double as phone operators for AOL.
AIR TRAN
Most hideous airline passengers.
AMERICAN AIRLINES
Chapter 15 isn’t a good chapter: Bankrupt!
AUSTRIAN
Stewards wear red skirts, red jackets, red stockings, red shoes. The planes’ interiors are red, too! It’s hard to find the crew on board. It’s like being blind. You have to feel around the cabin to find them.
BRITISH AIRWAYS
Only cabin crew in the world that can talk with their eyes.
El Al
The only airline to outnumber the passengers with security: 100 security men to every one passenger.
EMIRATES
They have so much money they wash their planes with fuel and de-ice with Dom Perignon.
IBERIA
Best retro-looking airline. Very ‘70s.
JETBLUE
The airline most prone to meltdowns. Passengers are so immune to them, not even a pilot screaming “We are all going to die!” gets the attention of anyone on board.
KLM
Every business-class passenger is given a Delft house upon boarding.
LOT
The Polish carrier is best for landing with no landing gear.
LUFTHANSA
Most efficient airline in the world. Your bags arrive in the baggage carousel before the plane has even landed.
OLYMPIC
Still flying – barely!
SAS
Gayest airline. They have dark rooms on board. They were also the first airline to have a gay wedding at 35,000 feet.
SPIRIT AIRLINES
You need night-vision glasses to see the crew because they are all ghosts.
SOUTHWEST
Your bags fly free! That’s why so many kids are found stuffed in bags on the baggage carousel.
UNITED/CONTINENTAL
Merging airlines are always tricky. It’s very hard for the United girls to squeeze into the Continental Airlines uniforms.
QANTAS
The only airline you board and wonder: Is this going to be the first Qantas plane to crash?
US AIRWAYS
The crew has phobias of birds and water.
VIRGIN ATLANTIC
Sexiest cabin crew.
VIRGIN AMERICA
Again, hot crew. Also, the only domestic airline with onboard sexting and a stripper pole in first class. The gays love their mood lighting.
Pam Ann performs XL on December 20, 21 and 22.
8 p.m. take off. For tickets, visit pamann.com/tour
