Over the River and Through the Woods…
To Anyone’s House But My Family’s!

As Sophia Petrillo would say, “Picture it, the Ike Avelli house on Thanksgiving Day!” For my family, it’s a typical Thanksgiving Day. For me, I need to find the humor at the holiday table. Family, food and yearly questions being tossed at me like, “Aren’t you going to be 50 soon?” or “Still single?” Try explaining to the family that Betty White and Jerry Sandusky are both getting more action than me…as we speak! The uncomfortable questions make me want to stick the family on an elevator with Ray Rice and Solange.
Then there are my uncles with their hands down their pants in front of the T.V. watching the game. Aunts in the kitchen complaining about my uncles’ hands down their pants instead using their hands to help with the dishes. A squirrel that got into my mother’s house through the dryer hose, and my niece pointing to it yelling “kitty”! All at once, I try to figure out how I can stuff each one of these turkeys’ mouths at the table, and how lucky that damn bird is to be out cold on the plate. I literally want to take the wishbone and swallow it whole!

But this year my brilliant sister claimed she had a plan! After dinner, we would dash out of there with the hopes to get all of our holiday shopping done. My hunched-over body, exhausted from being cross-examined, suddenly straightened out. I thought to myself, leave the family festivities early and the questions behind? Even though my checking account had a negative balance, this was music to my ears, like when Ricky Martin broke up with his boyfriend. I grabbed the leftover turkey wings and flew off. We headed to the mall in Freehold, NJ. My sister had a map. I am not kidding! I thought I was with Tom Cruise from “Mission Impossible.” OK, I am kidding, Tom’s dress is shorter than my sister’s. She said, “Why go to just one store when you can go to them all?” (Oh, I get it now, “THEM ALL” = THE MALL)!

When we get there it was like a scene out of “JUMANJI.” Once those doors opened, EVERYONE trampled over each other like animals, and that was just to get to the Orange Julius. I survived about two hours only because I stared for an hour and 55 minutes at the boys of Abercrombie and Fitch and caved in! As the hours passed, the lines were longer to get into each store, and seeing as I had no money, I just headed home. My sister was a trooper and stayed till the sun came up, although I think she just shopped for herself. She really is a smart cookie!

Next year, I hit KMART, which opens at 6 p.m., Thanksgiving Day!

“Ike Avelli Is Coming To Town!” 12/6/14

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