Alan Carr’s Top Ten

Being an International , Award-Winning Stand -up Comedian and Chat -Show Host , I sometimes have to fly at a moment ’s notice to various exotic locations around the world , and when I do I ALWAYS fly Pam Ann Airways . here ’s ten reasons why.

1. Her health and safety record.
Safety comes first on Pam Ann Airways, well apart from the time she removed the batteries from one of the smoke alarms to fit in her clit stimulator.

2. She doesn’t serve miniatures.
Have a proper measure you pussy, how are you going to get twatted on a thimble of voddie? Who cares if you can’t walk when you reach your destination. Why should just the elderly and infirm get to whizz past in those buggys on the way to passport control?

3. Her welcoming smile. Don’t be fooled by that forced smile at the aircraft door. It isn’t because she doesn’t give a shit about the comfort of your journey, it’ll probably be the class A’s in a condom wedged up her colon. Why do you think Pam’s next mission is to go into space – no border controls!

4. Her professional capabilities.
Who else gives a turn-down service in first class with a complimentary “happy ending”?

5. Her sexual stamina.
It’s common knowledge that Pam has had more passengers inside her than the Sunglasses Hut in Heathrow’s Terminal 5,
but what a lover! She only wears that stupid neckerchief to hide her lovebites/hickies.

6. She’s an inspiration.
Not a lot of people know that Madonna’s “Vogue” is based on Pam Ann’s inflight safety demonstration and that Van Halen’s “Jump” was inspired by the time that Boeing 747 crashed in the Andes and Pam Ann nicked the last parachute for herself.

7. Her ambitions.
Pam’s ambitions know no bounds. She will be venturing into space, which I think is amazing news. What a pioneer! She will be trying to answer all those questions we’ve always wanted to know. Is there life on Mars? What is the moon made of? Can you get fingered in an astronaut suit? She is truly making history, not only to be the first woman to walk on the moon, but the first to slut-drop too.

8. Her links to royalty.
With that sour face and rock-hard beehive, in certain lights she looks like Princess Anne, but she refuses wholeheartedly to give in to peer pressure and have cosmetic surgery, and good for her – who needs Botox when you can open one of the cabin doors mid-flight.

9. Her timeless beauty.
Well, when I say “timeless” I mean she’s been through so manytime-zones fuck knows how old she is. I worked out she passed back across the Pacific Time Zone so many times that she hasn’t actually been born yet.

10. But the real reason
I fly Pam Ann Airways is because she is hysterically funny, a wonderful person and I’m so pleased to call her a friend. She is prolific, a one-off and always puts on a great show. Look out space, you’re not going to know what’s hit ya!!

Don’t miss Alan Carr’s TV show “Chatty Man,” and visit his website at alancarr.net.Pam Ann: Galactic 2014 at Joe’s Pub runs from December 30 – January 5. Go to JoesPub.com for showtimes and ticket information.